Adults are not expected to change, at least not much and certainly not in sudden bursts. But change we do, and not always at times or in ways that are convenient. Counseling during such a time can be of considerable help. Given that by midlife you probably have people depending on you to be stable, these times of growth can be extremely uncomfortable and disruptive. Sometimes the symptoms signaling that such a change is happening are subtle–a mild but unsettling irritation, a slight depression. Sometimes the symptoms are more extreme–urgent desires to leave a long-term job or relationship, a sense of being tired of your life or trapped, or powerful questions that shake the foundations of your life. Growth at midlife can be as unsettling as growth in adolescence. Having an experienced counselor involved in the process can help provide stability through change and help you to access your own best wisdom to move through this time of uncertainty to what may be a new stage of your life. (to top of page)
MY APPROACH TO TREATING COMMON LIFE ISSUES
DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
When Daniel Goleman came out with the concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) two decades ago, he was immediately recognized as naming something crucial to human social well-being. Since that time, there has been substantial research indicating that when we improve in our emotional intelligence, we improve as parents, partners, and professionals. Counseling is one of the most powerful tools we have for developing emotional intelligence. When I work with people in raising their EQ, I tailor the counseling to the areas of challenge for the individual. Whatever your specific goals, you can become more aware of emotions (your own and others’) and more skilled at handling them. In the process, through increasing awareness and custom-tailored exercises and experiments, you will likely find it easier to get what you want from other people, building better relationships in the process. You are also likely to find more confidence and clarity within yourself, both personally and professionally. (to top of page)
GRIEF & LOSS
In each life there is a certain measure of grief and loss. But for some of us, life brings extraordinary grief. Whether it is through an event like the loss of a child or pregnancy, the loss of a person upon whom we depended heavily, the sudden loss of a loved one through violence or suicide, or the painfully slow loss of a spouse through dementia, such events can take a heavy toll even on healthy, well-adjusted people. In my counseling practice and prior hospice experience, I have worked with people forced to adjust to such difficult losses. Although it can be extremely painful, grieving is a normal process and does not generally require counseling. But if you find yourself stuck in your grief, perhaps because of the overwhelming nature of the loss, counseling can help. Another instance where counseling can help is when grieving has caused old problems to worsen or reappear or has led to new problems. For instance, sometimes a long, painful period of grief can lead to overspending, binge eating, or cutting. At other times, depression may creep in behind the grief, keeping you stuck. In all of these situations, counseling can help you move forward in your healing and your life. (to top of page)
ADOLESCENCE FOR GIRLS
Though it has always been difficult to go through adolescence, being a teenage girl in this society is walking through a minefield. The popular culture tells girls at a remarkably young age to be abnormally thin and/or sexy, and to focus on popularity, peers, and social life. Despite the best efforts of families to protect girls from these influences, it is a nearly impossible battle. So you may well have a daughter who is cutting, eating in some disordered way, using drugs or alcohol, showing a lot of anger and disrespect, having social or school problems, engaging in inappropriate sexual activity, or barely functioning because of a high level of anxiety or depression. This is a hard stage of life for both girls and their parents. When I work with adolescent girls in counseling, I almost always work with the parents, too, to help with the parent-teen relationships. My approach to counseling teens and their parents is solution-oriented and respectful of all involved. If you are struggling with your teenage daughter, I want to help you find more common ground and negotiate workable contracts. Counseling can make a significant long-term difference in improving the relationship between parents and teen. Counseling can also help teens improve or eliminate negative coping behaviors (cutting, binging, purging, etc.). It can help the teen develop more ability to judge situations and make wise choices, greater self-understanding, and stronger skills to cope with difficulties. (to top of page)
DIVORCE, REMARRIAGE, STEPFAMILY FORMATION
No one sets out to get divorced. The process of dealing with a divorce, whether you initiated it or your spouse did, is never easy. With people who are divorcing, I work on addressing the powerful feelings that come up and providing guidance for how to make the divorce as low-conflict and low-damage as possible for you, your ex-, and any children involved. I also work with people who are forming new relationships after divorce and those who are building stepfamilies. Despite our desire to move on, remarriage always involves a certain amount of thoughtful attention to pain from the past divorce. Relationship counseling for people who are divorcing or divorced needs to attend to that history and the additional layer of complexity in the relationship that results. Forming a stepfamily often poses unexpected challenges and difficult power struggles. Fortunately the research on “blended families” has provided us with some important insights into the most successful strategies for supporting the most fragile relationships in a stepfamily and for creating the best possible environment for the healing and growth of everybody involved. In counseling individuals, couples, and families through these life changes, I seek to offer knowledge, skills, and coaching towards building positive relationships that last. (to top of page)
RELATIONSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIP DECISIONS
I work with individuals who want to improve their relationships without bringing the partner into counseling, with people who are in the process of deciding whether or not to continue in a relationship, and with couples in all types of relationships and at all stages in their relationship. With individuals, I offer cutting-edge information about what works in relationships along with the opportunity to work on yourself in ways that can contribute to the health of your relationships–or help you reach a decision about whether to stay in or end a relationship. The primary approach I use in working with couples is based on John Gottman’s ground-breaking work on long-term relationships. My focus is on (re)building a friendship between the partners, increasing their understanding of themselves and the relationship, encouraging strategic changes in behavior, and teaching skills to manage conflict. (to top of page)
